Fzzzzzzzp… Fzzzzzzzp… Gary lifted the phone to his ear. “Hello?”
“Hello Sir yes this is Tom I’m calling you from the mobull phone repository how are you I’m calling today to offer the free upgrade for your phone to the latest model either an android or apple…” Gary’s face drained of blood. He dropped his cardboard cup, spilling hot coffee all over the counter as he set off in a dead sprint towards his car.
Gary stepped hard on the accelerator and immediately stalled. “Fuck.” He whispered to himself. “FUCK!” He repeated. He put the phone on speaker and accelerated once again, this time with forced restraint.
“…Basically the way it works Sir is that there’s a one time deposit payment of £64.99 which you pay over the phone with me now then we prepare the handset to be sent to you and then you pay simply the postage and packaging fee of £34.99 then we cancel your current contract with your current supplier for free and also for only a one time fee of…” Gary weaved gracefully through the traffic as his car’s engine moaned and spluttered indignantly. In record time, he arrived home, swerving to an inelegant stop on the front lawn.
“…So that will be reimbursed to you upon the confirmation of your one time service payment of £124.99 which will cover the SIM card case and selfie stick but will not cover the screen protector or data but all you will need to pay is the one time data charge of £81.98…”
Gary kicked open the front door, jumped up the stairs 3 at a time, rushed to his desk, threw open the top drawer and began rummaging around like a man possessed. After depositing most of the drawer’s content onto the floor, he emerged triumphantly, panting as he held aloft a big red button, the kind a super villain would have in the cartoon shows he’d watched as a child. It was the sort of big red button that you’d press to launch a missile or to release the hounds. Gary’s big red button was wireless, the logic being that if he bought the wireless version, Gary could take it with him everywhere he went. Inevitably though, he’d shoved it in a drawer and forgotten about it. Silly Gary. With baited breath he placed the button on his desk, lowered his trembling finger towards it… And… Stopped. Gary picked up the phone.
“… But it really is lovely this time of year so you’ll get 21 nights there and another 11 nights at any one of the Disneyland Parks as our free gift to you but there will be a one time free gift fee of £1,564.83 payable by any major credit card…
“I…” The letter fell out of Gary’s mouth as comfortably as his car would have. The voice on the other end of the phone fell silent. “I… I don’t…” His lip quivered furiously as tears started to wander slowly down his cheeks. He opened his mouth to continue but only succeeded in producing long, shaky breaths. Then the breaths turned to sobs. As his shoulders heaved and his eyes streamed, the phone fell from Gary’s grasp, smacked against the edge of the desk and fell face down on the floor. Over his quiet weeping, Gary could hear the distant sound of more deals, more offers, more gifts, more fees, more reimbursements. He lowered his head to his desk, lifted a nearby pillow to his mouth and roared, allowing his sadness to envelope him completely. Defeated, Gary pressed the big red button.
SMASH! As the button clicked down, his bedroom window exploded. Immediately the tears stopped as Gary’s face, still painted with fear and anguish, lifted towards the figure who had clearly just swung into his bedroom on a rope. “RIGHT.” I scowled. “WHERE’S THE FUCKING PHONE?” Gary’s still trembling finger panned down from the button to his feet, where the phone had fallen. I strode handsomely over to the desk and picked it up.
“… And it just keeps spinning and that’s when it ends and you never get to know whether it was real or whether…”
“WILL YOU” I screamed. “FUCK. OFF. HE DOESN’T WANT IT. HIS PHONE IS FINE. TAKE HIS NUMBER OFF YOUR DATABASE, YOU NASTY, PARASITIC LITTLE CUNT.” I hung up the phone and cast it aside, before turning to the shaking, broken man that used to be Gary and putting a hand on his shoulder. “You did the right thing, son.” I cooed, in a purposefully soft and reassuring voice. “It’s gone now. It can’t offer you anything else.”
“It… It was…” Gary’s voice came in fits and starts between huge, heaving sobs. “It was… So… So… Awkward” He began to wail, then threw his head back down and started beating his fist on the desk. “WHY?” He screamed. “WHY ME? WHY WOULD THEY…”
As Gary lifted his head back up from the desk, he realised that I was gone. I’d swung back out through his shattered window, done a sweet roll on the pavement and started sprinting towards the horizon, the setting sun casting a long, handsome shadow on the road behind me.
“Thank you!” Came Gary’s distant cry. He was already really far behind me because I was running really, really fast. Really impressively fast. “Thank you, Cold Caller Vigilante! Thank you for all of your help!” I allowed myself a grin and a quick rest to catch my breath because I’d already run a really long way. Probably like 2 miles.
The phone lines are a little clearer tonight, I thought to myself as the sweat ran in rivulets down my handsome forehead. But my job’s far from done. These scamming bastards don’t rest, so neither do I. Except for right now, but this is only because of the really fast running. Also I am a little sleepy. But most of the time I don’t rest. They’ll pay for what they do to these people. They’ll all pay.