Today’s the fucking worst. And I was so cautiously optimistic half an hour ago, too. You see, I hadn’t seen my ex since the start of quarantine, when she was still my girlfriend. We spent her birthday together. I gave her presents, we had a takeaway, watched a bit of Netflix and stuff. It was nice. 6 weeks later though, she broke it off. Not looking for anything serious, or at least not with me.
It felt like something might happen a couple of weeks ago: We started talking again, being 2 lonely people with nothing to do and nobody to see. But nothing ever did. So a few days ago I texted her, saying that I was coming round to drop off some things that she’d left at mine and to pick up my own stuff from her. Nothing much, just toiletries and a couple of items of clothing, that kind of thing. She said cool, come on Sunday.
This was it. The all or nothing move. I mean, she lives alone, so she’s as starved for human contact as I am, right? Maybe I bring round her belongings and we have a nice cuddle. Maybe a kiss on the cheek or an invite to have a drink. Maybe even stay the night? That’s pushing it, probably, even if Boris has given the green light. Most likely she takes her belongings, shuts the door and I can walk away to lick my wounds, secure in the knowledge that it’s definitely over.
So that’s what I did today, Sunday the 14th of June 2020. I got 2 buses to her house in the pissing rain, rucksack full of toiletries, heart full of hope and brain full of pessimism. Precisely half an hour ago, I opened the gate, I strode up to the front door and I knocked. No answer. I knocked again, but again there was no answer. Just as I raised my hand to knock a third and final time, the lock clicked and the door swung open. Standing where I had expected my ex to be stood was a man. Answering her door. To her house. Where, and I can’t stress this enough, she lives alone. He was a 7 foot tall brick shit house with a handsome but smirking face. And he was topless. Now I’m an excellent judge of character, so trust me when I say with no agenda, bias or bitterness that he was clearly a cunt. “What?” He asked, as if he didn’t need the reply.
Before I could answer, my ex rushed to the door, stumbling over the coffee table in the process. She shooed him away, but I’d already seen all I needed to see. Her face was bright red and she also was not fully dressed. “I’m sorry.” She said. “I didn’t want you to find out li…” I stopped listening. Numb, I spun on my heels, strode back to the gate and shut it behind me.
So yeah, today was the fucking worst. The worst-case scenario. And it fucking hurts. This feeling fucking sucks. Just now I was stood waiting for the bus (Sunday service. Why did I agree to come on a Sunday?), I’m reliving the whole ordeal for the 1000th time in my head and suddenly it all hits me at once, like a shooting pain tearing through the pit of my stomach. I’ve been shot. I’m not being cute or metaphorical, someone literally… Literally just shot me at the bus stop… With a gun… They were driving a grey… Car… I tried to get the reg, but it’s… It’s difficult to concentrate to be honest. I’m losing a pretty frightening amount of blood. Everything’s getting a bit… Hazy.
The Scientists were wrong… About the meteor… It’s not passing harmlessly by at all, it’s on a… Direct collision course with… Earth. What makes… The fact that everyone on the planet has… Seconds to live… Worse… Is that this morning they… They scientifically proved that Heaven and Hell are real… And that basically everyone goes to Hell… Seriously, walk across a road before the green man shows up and you’re… Eternal… Toast…
I got a lot of… Bad news… This morning. It also came to light that… All dogs are robots created by the government to spy on us… That Alison Brie is a really horrible person in real life… That Everton FC is nothing but a sick psychological experiment that my Dad signed me up for at birth… It’s all real…
I only hope that if the multiverse theory is true… If there is another version of me out there somewhere in the infinite… Cosmos… And he’s waiting for a bus back to Leeds City Centre today, Sunday the 14th of June 2020… And he’s feeling shit, because things haven’t panned out like he’s trying not to hope they will… I hope he hears me now: “Chin up, mate. You’ll bounce back. It could have been worse. This is the worst-case scenario.”
Oh fuck, hostile aliens! They’ve landed their craft right next to me on the road. They’ve come out blasting at me with photon pistols. I’m bleeding out, so I’m not sure if I can… Ok sweet, I disarmed one of them and I’m using him as a hu… An alien shield to fight off the rest. Pew, pew! ARGH, FUCK! They shot my left arm clean off. Seriously though, I’m sure you’re having a much, much worse Sunday, alternate Dave. Pew, pew, pew! Fuck, this is really, really painful. Nothing on heartache though, eh? Here comes the alien leader. BEGONE FROM THIS PLANET, PUTRID ALIEN SCUM! WE ARE A PEACEFUL PEOP… Pew, p-ARGH, he shot me right in the existing bullet hole in my stomach that I mentioned earlier, only this is a much, much more intense pain. Fuck me, what a nightmare. I wouldn’t trade places with you for all the tea in China though, alternate Dave. Wowee, that’s a rough day you’re probably having. Women, eh? Can’t live with ’em, can’t live wi… Ah shit, the meteor’s com…